Screwdriver Sketch

SCENE 16.
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ANIMATION – AND NOW, THE SCREWDRIVER SKETCH.

SCENE 17.
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INTERIOR, DAY. A SCREWDRIVER SHOP. JUST PUT A SIGN SAYING “SCREWDRIVER SHOP” ON THE COUNTER OF THE CORNER SHOP SET FROM SCENE 8.

CHARACTERS – SCREWDRIVER VENDOR, BEHIND THE COUNTER IN A SHARP SUIT AND WAXED MOUSTACHE. CUSTOMER, IN WORK OVERALLS, FLAT CAP AND GLASSES.

CUSTOMER: Good morning, I’d like to buy a screwdriver.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Certainly sir, what colour?

CUSTOMER: Red, I think. No, blue.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Certainly, sir, just sign here.

CUSTOMER: What’s this?

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Oh that’s the contract for the screwdriver, sir.

CUSTOMER: Oh, how modern.

CUSTOMER SIGNS THE DOCUMENT

CUSTOMER: There you are.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Thank you, sir.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR HANDS BLUE SCREWDRIVER TO CUSTOMER WITH A FLOURISH.

BOTH TURN TO LOOK EXPECTANTLY AT THE CAMERA.

SCENE 18.
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INTERIOR, DAY.

A KITCHEN. ON THE TABLE IS A LARGE TRANSISTOR RADIO THAT THE CUSTOMER WANTS TO FIX.

CHARACTERS – CUSTOMER, SAT AT THE TABLE HOLDING A BLUE SCREWDRIVER.

CUSTOMER LOOKS AT THE CAMERA WAITING FOR AN UNSEEN CUE, HOLDING A BLUE SCREWDRIVER UP NEXT TO THEIR HEAD. THEY WAIT FOR A MOMENT, THEN AT THE SIGNAL OF THE UNSEEN CUE THEY LOOK AT THE RADIO AND SLOWLY START MOVING THE TIP OF THE SCREWDRIVER TOWARDS IT.

OFF CAMERA – A KNOCK AT THE DOOR FRONT DOOR OF THE HOUSE.

CUSTOMER STOPS MOVING THE SCREWDRIVER AND LOOKS BACK UP AT THE CAMERA.

CUSTOMER: I wonder who that could be?

SCENE 19.
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EXTERIOR, DAY.

THE FRONT DOOR TO THE CUSTOMER’S HOUSE.

CHARACTERS – CUSTOMER, SCREWDRIVER VENDOR, POLICEMAN, KNIGHT.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR IS STOOD OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR.

CUSTOMER, HOLDING THE BLUE SCREWDRIVER AGAINST THEIR CHEST ABSENT-MINDEDLY, OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS OUT.

CUSTOMER: Oh hello.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: I’m sorry, sir but you can’t do that.

CUSTOMER: Do what?

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: There’s no need to be common, sir. I was just saying that you cannot do that.

CUSTOMER: No, I mean what can’t I do?

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: You cannot use the nice shiny blue screwdriver I gave you earlier to open that grubby old radio.

CUSTOMER: Why not?!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Well, sir, if you’d read the contract you signed you’d have seen that you have to buy a red screwdriver to open radios with. Not a blue one.

CUSTOMER: That sounds a bit stupid if you ask me.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Well it’s very fortunate that I didn’t, then, isn’t it? But think of the alternative, sir. You’d be able to use that screwdriver for anything.

CUSTOMER: Well that seems perfectly reasonable to me. I mean, after all I bought it!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: You *licenced* it, sir.

CUSTOMER: I should be free to use it however I want! Well, unless I was going to lever paint tins open with it, possibly. Or stab someone. But that doesn’t strike me as any of your business! Just sell the bloody screwdriver and get on with your life!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: But sir! Imagine if you could just use the screwdriver however you wanted, imagine if I was not free to tell you how to use the screwdrivers that I sell-

CUSTOMER: Licence.

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Ah! Yes, my mistake, thank you; licence – you. I would not be free to do business as I wish, and that would be slavery for me! Slavery!

CUSTOMER: You’re loopy!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: No, sir, I am just a man who loves freedom more than you do.

CUSTOMER: No you don’t!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Yes I do!

CUSTOMER: No you don’t!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Yes I do!

CUSTOMER: No you don’t!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Yes I do!

CUSTOMER: No you don’t!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Yes I do!

CUSTOMER REMEMBERS THAT HE IS HOLDING THE SCREWDRIVER AND LOOKS AT IT.

CUSTOMER: Wait a minute, this isn’t the screwdriver I bought off you, this is my *old* blue screwdriver!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: Yeah, right! Prove it!

CUSTOMER: Well alright I’ll just give it to someone else then!

SCREWDRIVER VENDOR: You *really* didn’t read the small print, did you sir?

THE SCREWDRIVER VENDOR BECKONS TO THE THE POLICE OFFICER WHO IS WAITING OFF-CAMERA.

THE POLICE OFFICER WALKS UP TO THE CUSTOMER, PUTS HIS HAND ON THE CUSTOMERS SHOULDER AND LEADS THE CUSTOMER OFF-SET.

THE CUSTOMER LOOKS DEJECTED AND SHAKES HIS HEAD ON THE WAY.

THE SCREWDRIVER VENDOR WATCHES, LOOKING SMUG.

A KNIGHT IN PLATE ARMOUR WALKS SLOWLY UP TO THE SCREWDRIVER VENDOR FROM BEHIND AND HITS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A PLUCKED CHICKEN.

SCENE 20.
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ANIMATION – SOMNAMBULIST STEEPLEJACK AIRBAG LEGISLATION.

Posted in Free Culture, Satire